Being So Female...

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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "sofemale" journal:

October 18th, 2005

07:39 pm

waiting on a man...
Who is this girl? Waiting on a man. She's lonley and freshly showered and has resorted to walking her dog three miles today because there's bloody else to do... THe sky was beautiful tonight, pink PINK PINK and purple and blue. I've been drinking gallons of tea. And not peeing as much as I think I should in response. It's hot here and windy and sometimes smells pretty bad like rotting. There are Korean people that live next door and the woman yells alot, she sounds like a parrot, lots of ing's and loudness. Annoing. I'm hungry and don't have a car to go get food, so Im waiting on a man, Ben. Called him this afternoon and pretty much convinced him to drive the hour in traffic up to North Shore to spend an equal amount of time with me as driving...I'm so delicious.
Ok so desperation has set in, this is what't ive done and I've been flooded. Everything from "hey baby lets shag" to "im 47 but age doesnt matter right?" sigh. Check it out, I think it's innocent enough...
http://honolulu.craigslist.org/w4m/104881102.html

It's an island, whats the worst that can happen?
Oh, yeah, still don't have a job. Actually turned one down today, they wanted me to commit till March, cant do. There is hardly anything going on up here, I read the papers and all the jobs are in Honolulu, lots of them that I could do but i cant get there, so i have to resort to waiting around for people to call me. Am i destined to sit around here and do nothing, intermixed with blind dates with local islanders eager to show off to a white girl? *sigh*

Current Mood: restless

October 17th, 2005

12:11 pm

[Link]

One year older, a little less down

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You have a passion for everything - including sleeping.
Outgoing and brash, you tend to still shock those who know you well.
You tend to be selfish. You are the most likely type to hog the covers.
You gravitate toward comfort and don't like extreme situations.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

October 13th, 2005

11:42 am

[Link]

Map that man

Exciting little site inspired by Summer's visit to the Museum of Sex in NY.
They are doing a Kinsey-esk mini survey where you can write in your sex history across america! (note: Meg has had a lot of fun doing this, in light of her recent travels)
It's anonomous and the site is very well done. Check it out.

Current Mood: silly silly

October 12th, 2005

03:42 pm

[Link]

I can't even make a list of my favorite artists...music, art, life.....im numb. I understand now why parents shouldnt let their children watch television. Ive been up since 10:30 and have been spending my time evenly between the couch watching TV and in front of this computer, rechecking my email. I went onto Myspace and thought i might update my profile...because I have nothing left to do and I began to list my musical prefrences. My brain is so heavy and my eyes are so tired I couldn't even think of something I felt strongly about. No wonder its proven that TV rots the brain.....its not content its the tuned out element.

*sigh*
*wipe sleepy seeds from my eyes*

Just got a call from the Haleiwa art gallery for a second interview on Friday. Do I want this job? A serious career job that I have to leave in two months? I think they want part time people for the weekend. Can I sell people art that I don't even like? What kind of money are we looking at here? Is it going to be worth it? I really want something a little less significant so I will feel less guilty leaving it. On the other hand, the experience would be valueable, its something I would like to get into later in life. But if i take this and then leave it in December, can i use it as a refrence?

America's Next Top Model. Yes. It's an addiction. Ive also taken to writing little notes obsesively all day long. I just drew an eye. And a quote from a movie, Japanese text drawn up a girls nevk onto her face.

I've started crying at commercials...

Current Mood: drained drained

October 9th, 2005

09:32 pm

[Link]

What's in my head
Next weekend I will be in my mid twenties. 24. Not quite 25 and not in my late twenties yet. I guess it should be perfect, being right where I am. Opportunity, youth, tight tits and a winning smile. I think i read that somewhere. Ben just called. I miss him when he's not near me. I miss hime when he's not telling me things I've forgotten about my past. Things I wish i remembered about us. He notices things, processes them, and spits them back to me as compliments, anecdotes, and admirations. I'm in love with my best friend. We might not be good for eachother and our quirks might clash and we certainly don't check off the boxes of eachothers "what I want in a mate" list but somehow, between us, that all doesnt matter.
Come January we will be living together along with Cate and Jono. I'm gonna get so fat. two men who cook for a living at my disposal. Cate will be amazing to live with and my gut is going to be continually split im convinced.
I've also convinced myself that right now it will be best to not attempt anything with Ben. We should continue to save our potential for when we both can be real with it. He and I both have a lot of exploring to do in our new city. He get's attracted to girls easily and tells me about it. It's weird to now feel a twinge during our conversations about other potentials. Im used to not feeling these feelings towards him. Ive suppressedthem for 13 years. Telling myself that hes not my type and that it would never work between us. THat its not real....when he's the most real thing I know.
How do I deal with this now. Sex was so beautiful. Surreal. At first I was so consumed with the strangeness of it I couldnt appreciate for what it was truly worth. It was concerted on my part to blank my brain from what I was doing...or potentially undoing. I cried. I couldn't help it. The solidity of him overcame me. He told me last week that I settle. I convince myself that I like somebody based on how much they like me. That I function on flattery. If someone I admire takes a liking to me im so wraped up in what they are rather than who they are. He may be right. He said it more eloquently of course, such that I couldn't argue. Here is what he said one night online...

Vapidist: so far you've been attracted to other people's attractions to you.
eye2skyz: ...
Vapidist: that's been the dominant characteristic of every guy you've been with.
Vapidist: you are going to start a friendship with someone, and it's going to be slow; it's not going to be like an "old friend" type of thing.
Vapidist: and you're slowly going to realize, both of you, that you really mean a great deal to each other, more than you thought at first.
Vapidist: and it's just going to happen, and you won't even remember when it changed from a friendship into a significant other, and it's going to be as close to perfect as human relationships get.
Vapidist: (sagacious nod)
eye2skyz: sigh
Vapidist: it's only gonna happen when you ain't lookin.
eye2skyz: im so thankful for you
eye2skyz: your insights are rare
eye2skyz: to find in a friend
Vapidist: well, I don't really care about a lot of people enough to dole them out frequently.
eye2skyz: it takes a lot to step outside yourself and objectively look at someon elses life
eye2skyz: the kicker is , your usually right on
Vapidist: sometimes.
eye2skyz: usually
Vapidist: i think you just forget when I'm wrong.
Vapidist: which works out well
eye2skyz: thats the best thing about it
eye2skyz: =)
eye2skyz: you blind me sometimes
Vapidist: I'll give you what I've got anytime, my dear

My heart isn't mine anymore.

Current Mood: contemplative

October 4th, 2005

12:27 am

[Link]

realization
I just realized that this is the actual color I just painted my room. Butterscotch deliciousness. Horrid.

12:22 am

[Link]

eye2skyz: i dont think i could wrap my mind around a million dollars
Vapidist: what could you wrap around a million dollars?
eye2skyz: um
eye2skyz: a big piece of bacon
Vapidist: now that's sexy.
Vapidist: bacon wrapped bank.
eye2skyz: *lick*
eye2skyz: maybe even some floppy sausage link
eye2skyz: really long sausages
eye2skyz: and id pay for things and all the people of Portland would say "ah, there goes the meat scented millionaire"
Vapidist: it's good that you're here to remind me that i'm not the only person around that's completely insane.
eye2skyz: im all alone...........with geckos running by my head....laughing my shit off
eye2skyz: and the guy next door is repetitively making nintendo noises
Vapidist: like a Roald Dahl story.
eye2skyz: my life near yours
eye2skyz: thats what you do to me baby
Vapidist: I'm all alone with thoughts and laughing my respective shit off.
Vapidist: nintendo noises?
eye2skyz: man, theres got to be something clinical going on over there
eye2skyz: medicated hawaiians
eye2skyz: get me off this rock
Vapidist: we're right here waiting for your return.

Current Mood: giddy giddy
Current Music: geckos chirping

October 1st, 2005

11:52 am

[Link]

Pieces
New beginings. Begining of old things made new again. Life after the road.
I've been finding it nearly impossible to sit down and commit any sort of happenings to paper. There's too much. Energy is kinetic right now and I'm in the moment, it's hard to step back from reality long enough to write it down.

People yell around here. The locals seem to communicate in an intense relay of indeterminable information. Maybe it's just where I live but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. What do you say to someone as your leaving the yard who's cursing their mothers very exhistance...to her face...and she doesn't even miss a step? It seems I come from a very different place indeed.
Yesterday was an adventure in direction, I borrowed Krisjands truck to drive into Honolulu. I felt great there, the city feels alive all the time. It's a huge change from where I live on the North Shore, a slower place where things don't move after 8pm. I visited a girl from Portland, Carlie during the day and we wandered around Waikiki for an afternoon then drove back up to Waialua. Krisjand, his girlfriend Tricia and her roomate Sabrina and I all went out back in town. Infested with military, everyone. Tricia and I had a great time dancing, boys think its all for them though, what's that all about? There were a few who could actually move and that was fun. THe ones who don't try to grope you are the best...
I got 'danced' by my first Asian. So small. So intense. Such a bad kisser. However, I did meet a kind young man from Texas who is a Chinese linguist. Despite his blonde, blue, white facad, he used the word dicotomy in a sentence, in a bar, after a few beers, and fully distinguishable over thumping bass beats. Impressed. I gave him my number and he texted me this morning. He said I was cute for a Maine-iak...what? I guess I could use a friend here, although Im shunning intimacy. I think it's a good idea for a while. Maybe I'm in defense mode because I think I've found something I like...somewhere else. And I get involved, and it's hard to leave. And I want to leave already.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: jungle

September 28th, 2005

07:16 pm

[Link]

My imaginary AND real life pet, Maggie!

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
Current Music: TV

June 13th, 2005

10:57 am

[Link]

Aftermath
Back from Acadia. Wow. My worries unfounded. I had a great time hanging out with Ben's parents. The thing is, he got sick Friday and had a cold the whole time we were there. His mum treats him like a child too. I guess they all have been through a lot but he does very similar things that I saw in Sterling when he was around his Mum. I asked Ben about it later on and he said that it's just easier to go along with it all. Why do guys to this, the "yup, uh huh, ok, yup" thing. They almost turn into different people, less animated, less THEM. But, I guess i kind of tune off sometimes when my mother is around too. Any of you boys care to lend insight ?
So Ben and I traveled back down to Portland Sunday afternoon...looong drive, especially since he doesnt. Crap.
But, got to portland and roughed around a little bit, giggled and took a shower. Flatbread was calling our names and id never been before. So, after showers he let me dress him!!! oh yeah yeah yeah yeah. He looked smokin. shit! busted up carhart jeans with abig ol hole in the knee, a super soft vintage pink and blue striped polo and flip flops with his jeans kind of rolled up.....good God.
ahem.
sorry.
ate a leaisurely meal outside on the deck and he paid. yummie.
Everytime I hang out with him I fall deeper. We got home from wandering around portland and danced in our underpants to some raunchy radio hip-hop. Yes, tighty white ones. Sexy!
I promptly forgot my wallet bag and cell phone there this morning, and forgot to leave Rachaels bike rack. Gotta go BACK down there after school and do that shit. grr, so much driving.

oh, yeah, Acadia was amazing, hiked Acadia Mountain with Bens dad, Jack. Went out and say a live hip hop thing, Megan is back from Brazil and met us there. Ive been worried about Gabe, i guess he got in a crash. Would have loved to see him and Tracy this weekend.

One of my students gave me a 4 leaf clover.

Current Mood: hot hot

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